As the Denver Nuggets organization rumbles and burns with Carmelo Anthony’s future up in the air, Denver and New Jersey’s trade negotiations are taking longer to develop than Dr. Dre’s Detox. ?While, Dre has finally set an April date for Detox. ?The trade deadline is just under a month away. With the possibility of an NBA lockout looming, Carmelo might not be wearing a new uniform until Diggy Simmons retires. ?Whenever, Prokhorov and Carmelo ever actually agree to meet, here’s how it would likely go down.
(Prokhorov walks in dressed business suit, covered in snow)
Carmelo: It’s 30 degrees outside. How are you not cold?
Prokhorov: Compared to my native Russia, it is like Dubai out there. But?we have many to discuss. Only in the NBA can a billionaire Russian and a African American named after ?negotiate over millions of dollars, Eh? Martin King would be proud. No? I have a dream also?of taking the NBA from New Jersey and bringing a championship to Brooklyn
Carmelo: I thought Jay-Z was gonna be here. He was there for Lebron this summer?
Prokhorov: He wanted to be here but the Heat play the Knicks next week. He’s trying to get tickets for us. Here have some of ‘dis vodka.
Carmelo: What incentive do I have to sign with a depleted Nets team that won’t make the playoffs with their two best players when I can join the Knicks and become the final piece to an instant contender? Hell, the Clippers trade package offers me a better shot at a championship.
Prokhorov: As you know, I’ve got a 5 year plan to winning an NBA championship.
Carmelo: That’s great Michael.(Prokhorov interrupts)
Prokhorov: It’s Mikhail. But you can call me Dmitri.
Carmelo: The problem with your 5 year plan, Dmitri, is that I’m only signing a 3 year extension.? Is that real enough time to become equal footing with the other NBA contenders?
Prohorov: We have many sleeper agents throughout the NBA. Don’t worry about the Miami Heat.? We’ve got a Zydrundas Ilgauskaus on the inside.? Unfortunately, the Lakers sniffed out our inside man Sasha Vujacic and traded him to us as a message.
Carmelo: But those guys aren’t from Russia?
Prokorov: It is the KGB. We have loyal spies all over Eastern Europe and the NBA.
Carmelo: Uhh.. so why couldn’t you get the KGB to rig the Draft Lottery then?
Prokhorov: I didn’t want to do this but I will have to unveil my alternative. You see… I am very close friends with President Putin and at this moment we have 3 Viper Predator ballistic missiles aimed directly at Madison Square Garden.? If you sign an extension with us Brooklyn will be the only team in New York by 2012.
Carmelo: I grew up a Knicks fan. ? How do you know I won’t warn them?
Prokhorov: Because from what I have learned through my research, you are against? what they call sneetchin’.
Carmelo: Touche.
Prokhorov: We are not interested in becoming rivals with the Knicks. We want to rival the the Lakers.? The Knicks have not won a championship since the Soviet Union was strong.? They are not important. ?They are like Soviet missile silos. Harmless. All bark and no bite. ?Madison Square Garden is a Cold War bomb shelter. ?A waste of money. ?All that hype and nothing happens for 40 years.
Carmelo: Your franchise is near the top of my list of destinations and as much as I want to usher a new era of the NBA in Brooklyn, you’re almost 20 games under .500 giving away too many players .? I’m just going to consult with my advisors. I’ve got Chris Paul, Dwight Howard and Deron Williams on conference call.
Prokhorov: Hello, Chris and Dwight!
Deron: Hey! I’m on the conference call also.
Prokhorov: Chris, I know you want to play with the Knicks but they already have a point guard. Go somewhere you’re wanted. We are turning Knicks fans into Brooklyn Nets fans?Starting with you.
And Dwight you are Superman! No?
Deron: I’m gonna be a free agent in 2012 too.
CP4: I actually just wanted to talk to Dwight about joining him in Orlando
Avery Johnson: Sorry, I’m late. Practice went a lil’ longer than we expected.
Dwight: Coach Gundy?(hangs up)
Avery Johnson: It’s me Avery Johnson. But we sound alike don’t we? hehehe! Dwight? Dwight?
Deron: Hello? Anybody?
Prokhorov: See Carmelo. Forget Amare. You, can form an even better trio with Chris Paul and Dwight Howard in Brooklyn.
Avery Johnson: Plus, if playing for and being an assistant under Don Nelson taught me anything, it’s that defense win championships.? Look at how much Dallas improved once I became head coach. Mike D’Antoni is a disciple of The Church of Don Nelson. He couldn’t take all those All-Stars in Phoenix to an NBA Finals and he won’t do it in New York.? Miami’s winning with defense.? Do you know what they say about you ‘Melo?
Carmelo: What do they say Avery?
Avery Johnson: They say the same thing they said about Dirk Nowitzki. He’s a second tier player.? When I was his head coach, he won an MVP award and we would have won the championship if Mark Cuban had payed the refs as much as Pat Riley.
Deron: I want to win a ring too! I never said it was guarantee I’d re-sign in Utah. It’s a small market and the nation never sees me play. I’d love to play in Brooklyn.
Prokhorov: and who knows…after a year or two of retirement, Phil Jackson might decide to take me up on my offer to make him the richest coach in professional sports.
Avery Johnson: I’m still on the line Mikhail.
Carmelo: And if I don’t agree to sign the extension, what is your Plan B?
Deron: (sighs) I’m an Olympian who’s only been selected to one All-Star Game. No one ever pays me any attention.
Prokhorov: (reaches for remote) Well, if you don’t cooperate, I’ll be forced to resort to extreme measures.? (Clicks on button) My friends from the old KGB have your precious wife, Lala, and are holding her hostage.? But I can order her release once you sign an extension.
Carmelo: (sigh) Well you make a compelling argument. But I heard Kris Humphries is dating Kim Kardsahian. It just dawned on me that TRL has ben canceled for years. With me in New York and Lala in Moscow I could upgrade to Rocsi from 106th & Park.
Deron: Man forget this! I’m tired of gettig’ eliminated in the second round by the Lakers. I want a trade to L.A? What’s Donald Sterling’s extension number?
