None of the events described below has occurred in our reality. They are simply glimpses of the darkest possible timeline in our vast multiverse. One in which puppies are extinct, Peyton Manning was forced to retire from football during his freshman year at college, Cooper Manning is the MVP of Super Bowl 50 and pterodactyls pluck unsuspecting pedestrians off the sidewalks.
After years of having their product besmirched by the negative connotations attached to “Netflix and chill,” the online media streaming giant has flipped it into a positive.
How? Today the streaming giant introduced Netflix & (Jack PLUS) Jill; an innovation that combines the laziest aspects of millennials, dating and commercial-free streaming technology, into one app.
For those tired of flipping through head shots on Tinder, but don’t want to actually interact with potential partners in public meatspace, Netflix believes it is providing a vital resource.
Thanks to an algorithm developed by sophomores at Arizona State, Netflix users are recommended men, women or both who share their viewing habits. Instead of swiping photos, users watch watch videos featuring the profile user re-enacting scenes from their favorite movies in quick, Vine-like videos.
“I think young adults are looking for someone they’re attracted to without the subscription.” Netflix (Jack PLUS) user Morgan Sorenson told The New York Times. “But shirt-less videos are such a turn-off. It’s disturbing how many guys have practiced the Magic Mike XXL choreography.”
However, her last movie date didn’t have a Hollywood ending. She gave him a score of 47% on Rotten Tomatoes.
“The last guy didn’t quite live up to the trailers expectations. Dialogue was cheesy and I don’t think there will be any plot development between the two of us.” Morgan confessed.
“Online dating is scary,” says NYU junior Bree Newell. “But not as scary as watching Paranormal Activity alone.”
Just don’t call it a hookup app.
“This is Netflix only. It takes 6 or more dates to get into my HBO Go account.” Bree added. “I’m not just gonna give it up because he wants to see what all the buzz about Game of Thrones is about in time for season 6.”
It hasn’t worked out for all users though.
“I’ve accidentally catfished a few women because I share an account with my brothers.” said one unemployed Brooklyn writer.
In response, Oculus virtual reality is working on a “Netflix and chill” alternative for long distance online daters.
Meanwhile, Hulu is on the verge of unveiling Hulu & Hang for their subscribers, which exploits the primary difference between themselves and Netflix—uninterrupted viewing.
“Our app is geared towards individuals looking for a more serious experience by coming up for air to get to know each other during every commercial break.” says Chuck Fox, a spokesman for Hulu & Hang’s development team.
