None of the events described below has occurred in our reality. They are simply glimpses of the darkest possible timeline in our vast multiverse. One in which puppies are extinct, Peyton Manning was forced to retire from football during his freshman year at college, Cooper Manning is the MVP of Super Bowl 50 and pterodactyls pluck unsuspecting pedestrians off the sidewalks.
In early December, the Philadelphia 76ers were an infected scab over the city’s sports scene after beginning the season 0-16 for the second consecutive year. Tired of picking at their bleeding scar tissue, the Sixers applied ointment by hiring respected basketball exec Jerry Colangelo to work alongside above polarizing general manager Sam Hinkie. In response, Hinkie unleashed in a wide-ranging interview with Yahoo Sports’ Adrian Wojnarowski, making a surprising announcement that sent shockwaves throughout the political realm.
“These last few months have been a trying time, not just for me, but for America. It’s with great pride that after years of tanking one of America’s most patriotically named sports franchises back into relevance, I believe I can Tank America Great Again — which is why I’m running for President of the United States.”
Promoted to 76ers general manager in 2013, Hinkie was touted for his expertise in advanced analytics, then proceeded to dismantle a roster that had topped out as the second round possum in the road for title contenders. The painful tanking process that began with Hinkie trading All-Star players for unknown future assets hasn’t panned out as Philadelphia hit its lowest depths in year three of what’s been termed The Process.
Hinnkie’s first major endorsement came in Ohio last month from a surprising political figure.
“When I saw what Hinkie accomplished in Philadelphia, I was in awe.” George W. Bush gushed. “I had a similar strategy when I was President.”
“…of the Texas Rangers.” He added. “Taking that into politics is bold.”
“Hinkie’s Process is an antidote for our ills disguised as a bitter pill,” according to political advisor Karl Rove. “America is tired of Beltway insiders turning America into a middling superpower. Hinkie has what it takes to finish the job, tear us all the way down and rebuild us from the ground up.”
Currently Hinkie is polling ahead of Libertarian Candidate Jesse Ventura, but trails Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Yet the former Sixers general manager is dismayed by his middling numbers.
Still, campaign insiders are reluctant to embrace his strategy to tank the debates and bounce from rock bottom poll numbers to peak in November.
Fortunately, he nabbed a celebrity to stump for him in Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant who tailored his Kobe System ethos for Hinkie’s movement. Clad in a blue blazer, Bryant leaned on the podium at a recent fundraiser a fundraiser in Burbank, California and gave a full-throated support of the former Sixers general manager.
“Alongside pioneers such as William Hung, Bristol Palin’s abstinence initiative, Robert Nardelli, seven seasons of Arli$$ and that felon who got offered a modeling contract for his perfectly-angled mug shot a few years ago, Sam is one of the great successes at failure in American history ,” Bryant said, sticking out his jaw. “We’ve become entitled as a nation. And Sam can restore that drive by showing millennials how much worse things can get.”
Fireworks flew recently, when Hinkie was grilled intensely by Philadelphia native, Chris Matthews. In an exclusive interview with MSNBC’s Hardball host, Hinkie defended his trade policies by pointing to his analytics-based evaluation methods.
“For all of Michael’s preternatural gifts as a playmaker with great size and vision, his god awful accuracy outside the paint didn’t cut it at a position where we needed shooting, and someday the people of Philly will thank me. You’ll see.” Hinkie explained to Matthews.
“You’ve left a trail of carnage in your wake. How can America entrust you with a rebuild when your last one went so poorly? The Michael Carter-Williams trade agreement was mocked even more when you replaced him with an undersized combo guard, who lacked court vision. Then, you tout the need for improved shooting, but your replacement starter was a D-League cast-off who couldn’t hit water from a yacht?” Matthews interrogated.
“A real visionary is willing to make himself look foolish in the short term, to achieve victory in the long term.” Hinkie reasoned.
“How about the possibility of the protected Lakers draft pick you thought you’d have to use in the stocked 2015 draft, not being available until 2018? How do you rationalize those poor negotiation skills?” a frustrated Matthews said, pressing his palm against his temple.
“It’ll all pay dividends. You’ll see when the Sixers and their army of lottery pick All-Stars are hoisting the Larry O’brien Trophy…” Hinkie reiterated.
“And what about our third overall pick in 2014, Joel Embiid, not playing a single game in two years because of a foot injury you knew he had before the draft!” Matthews shouted.
“Joel suffered a setback in his recovery, but so did America. Our country is broken right now as well and we’re healing incorrectly. I’m here, with a sedative, to re-break the bone, properly set it and nurse this nation back to health.” Hinkie said while Matthews grimaced and shuddered at the imagery.
“Why do I get the feeling you’d accidentally break a vital bone, like our fibula or vertebrae? Our second overall pick last summer, Jahlil Okafor, is despondent playing on one of the most worst teams in NBA history. Are you going to put 300 million Americans through that type of anguish? Spin that!!?” Matthews blurted through gritted teeth.
“I was in a dark place when the Sixers demoted me, but I had an epiphany watching The Big Short.” Hinkie paused. “I realized… that the same kind of doubt Michael Burry faced from his investors when his hedge fund bet against mortgage bonds two years before the financial crisis is what I’m up against. His bet yielded them 400% profit returns. That’s my goal for America’s economy.”
“But these aren’t wealthy investors. People out there need help now. Someone inspirational, not analytical!” Matthews moaned.
“I’ll inspire Americans to act. Establishment candidates don’t have my real-world executive experience. Carly Fiorina didn’t tank HP as well as I did the 76ers,” Hinkie gloated. “Look what happened after she led Hewlett Packard to rock bottom. Relieved investors caused HP’s stocks to soar after Fiorina was fired. In my case, the Sixers were incentivized to hire Jerry Colangelo and acquire a legitimate point guard.”
“You’re turning the tables alright. You sound like a political terrorist placing the Sword of Damocles over regular Americans. That’s a dangerous way to bring us together.” Matthews bristled.
“Trump is an example of how to tank your way to the top. He’s bankrupted his businesses multiple times and even killed the USFL, but look at him now. It’s a quintessential American story. You’ll s–.” Hinkie proudly beamed as Matthews stormed off the set.
Since Matthews’ disappearance, Hinkie has doubled down on bringing his brand of cognitive dissonance to the Oval Office.
Since then, he’s flexed his executive muscle by vowing to get tough on China by trading 10,000 American jobs and Syrian refugees, to be named later, for SONY’s email passwords. Some suspect that this trade policy announcement was bait to lure primary opponents into prematurely attacking his bungled trade of 2013 Rookie of the Year, Michael Carter-Williams.
The former Secretary of State also questioned giving control of our nuclear arsenal to someone who nuked his own roster, then panned Hinkie as a quant, a cheapskate and as a heartless corporate raider who doesn’t identify with NBA fans, much less, the American middle class.
“The NBA had to institute a salary cap floor just to discourage the type of tanking Hinkie practiced” Clinton said, criticizing Hinkie’s past of trading for pricey veterans to graze the minimum, just before waiving them.
“While Philly fans are hurting, their owner, another billionaire hedge fund manager, is pocketing millions for TV contracts, attendance and via revenue sharing. Don’t you think we’ve given enough to the top 1%?!!!” Clinton roared over raucous cheers.
However, Hinkie’s campaign has used his penchant for thriftiness to depict him as a fiscal conservative who can slice the national debt.
“I love the way he does business. After four years of dragging us to the bottom, he’ll have American back on top once again” said Clippers fan and Tank America Great Again PAC donor Donald Sterling, once the NBA’s most prominent misers.
What truly sets Hinkie apart as a candidate is his plan to rejuvenate the U.S. military by drawing from his NBA background and re-introducing the draft. It’s a topic he gets especially fired up about.
“Our military might has been diminished thanks to eight years of poor management by both parties and if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s drafting teenagers to put their limbs on the line in physical combat.”
In a recent poll of candidates, most Americans are more optimistic that the nation would head in the right under Hinkie than any other candidate in the field. They also believe it will head in the wrong direction first.
“Just like in Philly, regular Americans will feel the squeeze during my first four years” Hinkie warned voters at a rally in Mississippi.
Or as Hinkie succinctly justifies his axiom, “No pain, no gain.”
