No matter what you expect the NFL team you ride with to accomplish throughout the course of a season, things never go according to script. Last season’s worse acting performance by the Giants defense came during their rash of false injuries against the Rams defense to stop the clock but it’s a whole new season. On Wednesday afternoon, SB Nation asked its Twitter followers to compare each NFL franchise to a Hollywood motion picture. While some of them were creative, here is an original comprehensive list including more accurate explanations for how each team’s central storyline heading into the 2012 season translates to a Hollywood blockbuster.
AFC EAST
New York Jets- The Hunger Games
The Jets’ quarterback saga resembles Thor’s battle with his brother Loki over the throne of Asgard, however, the Jets internal battles are more massive in scale.
Rex Ryan’s shrinking waistline and smaller lunches plays a small part in the Jets’ relation to the Hunger Games. Most importantly everyone on their roster seems to have it out for another teammate.
The Hunger Games’ plot revolves around an annual fight to the death by 24 children aged 12 to 18. Known as the Reaping, this oddly entertaining adolescent Caesar-like gladiatorial games is televised and was adapted into a popular children’s book. When you’re finished scratching your head, consider the Jets predicament.
Last season, Santonio Holmes turned against Mark Sanchez and last week, cornerback Antonio Cromartie sparked a locker room rift after claiming he was already the Jet’s second best wide receiver. In July, a scuffle broke out between Joe McKnight and a safety whose father is McKnight’s position coach. Tim INTebow and Sanchez’s apparent bro-mance would make protagonists/love interests Katniss and Peeta uncomfortable.
Miami Dolphins- The Truman Show
The Dolphins are an ESPN-era spinoff of Jim Carrey’s Truman Burbank, who discovers his life has been nothing but a scripted show broadcast to millions of viewers.
The Dolphins are the newest celebrity franchise. The Williams sisters, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Gloria and Emilio Stefan are co-owners. This summer, the Dolphins replaced Brandon Marshall with self-promotion guru Chad Johnson and decided to open their training camp to HBO’s Hard Knocks.
Let’s not forget that Reggie Bush once dated Kim Kardashian while starring on her family’s E! reality series. Ryan Tannehill has only been a Dolphin for a few months but his wife is an aspiring model that has been pursued for Maxim Magazine photo shoot. After the Texans season-opening win over Miami, defensive end J.J. Watts revealed that he’d learned the Dolphins snap count by watching Hard Knocks.
NFL fans call the Dolphins home field by its rightful name, Sun Life Stadium, but after the unceremonious ouster of Ocho Cinco Philbin proclaimed ‘this planet Trumania of the Burbank Galaxy’.
Men In Black-New England Patriots
Will Smith portrays Agent J who is recruited to join the Men In Black by the grumpy and reticent Agent K. Brady is the suave young quarterback who is in his 13th season as Belichick’s pupil and field general.
Belichick’s Patriot’s operate in just as much as secrecy as the secretive organization assigned with protecting the world against extraterrestrial threats. They released Chad Johnson, who wasn’t worth the extra attention he drew towards the organization and they asked record-setting tight end Rob Gronkowski to cut down on his controversial media appearances during the off-season.
Buffalo Bills- The Rundown
2003’s The Rundown featured The Rock as a bounty hunter hired to track down his employer’s son in Brazil. Ultimately, they are pitted against Hatcher played by Christopher Walken who rules the town of El Dorado. This summer, signed 6-foot-8 sack artist Mario Williams, who makes The Rock look like Richard Simmons and Mark Anderson to pair along arguably the best defensive line in football. The point? To pressure Tom Brady twice a year with hopes of allowing Buffalo to finally overtake New England and Bill Belichick atop the AFC East.
AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans- The Other Guys
In the nine years since their inception, the Texans have played second fiddle to America’s Team in nearby Dallas. Will Ferrell and Mark Walhberg portray a detective and his partner that watch the hotshot officers (The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson) receive all the accolades and recognition for catching the city’s most dangerous offenders.
Amongst Texas’ two NFL franchises, a change of the guard is taking place as the Texans will field the league’s most talented roster as their cocky in-state neighbors battle turmoil within the organization. Reliant Stadium is also considered the second-best in the NFL to Cowboy World.
Indianapolis Colts- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope(1977)
Andrew Luck’s ascension to the starting job in Indianapolis is reminiscent of Luke Skywalker’s quest to save the galaxy from the evil clutches of Darth Vader. Ultimately, in future films we learn that Obi Wan Kenobi once trained Vader, Luke’s father, believing he was he one destined to bring balance to the Force. Instead, Luke’s father, Anakin, joined forces with Lord Palpatine and the Dark Side.
14 years ago, the Indianapolis Colts and owner Jim Irsay chose Peyton Manning with the No. 1 overall pick. While Manning brought a Super Bowl to Indy, Irsay allowed Manning to walk so that the franchise could rebuild with a new hope. Meanwhile, Manning has his sights set on conquering the league under the tutelage of a new mentor-Broncos general manager, John Elway.
Peyton Manning isn’t Andrew Luck’s father but the 22-year-old sure does remind Colts fans of the living legend.
Jacksonville Jaguars- The Heartbreak Kid
Ben Stiller’s 2007 comedy about a groom on his honeymoon who realizes that the woman he married isn’t who he thought she was while simultaneously falling for another woman. During the 2011 NFL Draft, the Jaguars appeared smitten with what Blaine Gabbert could bring to their franchise.
After one season, there were rumors that Team Teal wanted to end their marriage with rookie quarterback Gabbert. In March, they flirted with trading for Tim Tebow, who ultimately chose the Jets over the Jags. By choice or not, the Jags are stuck with Gabbert for the time being and based on his Week 1 performance, the Missouri-product improved his pocket presence and accuracy meaning the outlook appears to clearly outshine Timcomplete Tebow’s.
Tennessee Titans- Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Jake Locker and Matt Hasselbeck share much in common with Nicholas Cage’s Balthazar and his young magical apprentice played by the unfunny but equally funny-looking Jay Baruchel. Locker didn’t appear fully prepared to supplant Hasselbeck as the captain of the Titans offense but the future began once he was named starter for the season opener. Unfortunately, his first season opener as starter ended in a loss marked by a flurry of mistakes and miscues.
AFC WEST
Denver Broncos- Dark Knight Rises
The summer’s most anticipated film capped off Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy eight years after last donning the cape and cowl, Bruce Wayne’s broken and battered alter ego is lured back into protecting Gotham one final time.
It’s been almost two years since Peyton Manning threw a regular season pass, however, after signing a five-year deal with the Broncos in April, it is apparent that this is where Manning will make his last stand in the NFL. It may not be the ending he wanted but it’s the ending he deserves-with a young, dynamic and talented roster.
Oakland Raiders- Godfather Part II
In the aftermath of Vito’s death, Sonny takes over the family business in the 1974 sequel. On Monday Night Football, the 2012 Raiders began their first full season in almost 50 years without Al Davis in the fold. Given the high turnover rates for Raiders head coaches, if the losses stack up Dennis Allen should avoid going on any fishing trips with Al’s son, Mark, who had a shaky relationship with his father.
San Diego Chargers- Idiocracy
As widely panned as Idiocracy was by critics, the 2011 San Diego Chargers were worse. What’s most disappointing about Norv Turner’s tenure as head coach is how much elite talent he has wasted.
In Idiocracy, Joe Bauers wakes up in a desolate future in which the United States has become a shell of itself. Under the Norv Turner regime, San Diego has undergone a similar downfall.
Kansas City Chiefs – 007 Skyfall
After going missing James Bond is presumed to be dead before returning to take down a new threat. Last season, the Chiefs floundered down the stretch without injured playmakers Jamaal Charles, Matt Cassell and Eric Berry. This season, the whole crew is back and healthy ready to take down a new foe-Peyton Manning.
AFC NORTH
Cleveland Browns- Jack
Just as Robin Williams stars as 10-year old Jack Powell, who ages four times faster due to a disease. The Cleveland Browns meanwhile, have entrusted the future of their franchise to 28-year-old Brandon Weeden who will be 30 midway through his second season. By comparison, Robert Griffin III won’t turn 30 until the year 2020. Despite his advance age, Weeden certainly threw the pigskin and made decsions like a college freshman in his NFL debut.
Pittsburgh Steelers- Live Free Die Hard
Throughout the first three movies, John McClane has been shot, stabbed, jumped from a plane and suffered almost every non-fatal physical injury known to man. Despite this, McClane just keeps on coming.
Likewise, Ben Roethlisberger is a beaten man. Roethlisberger has been sacked 100 times more than any quarterback since 2006. He also has the fewest drop backs per sack, sacks. He’s played through appendicitis, facial reconstruction surgery in addition to a whole host of thumb, toe, knee and shoulder injuries and this season, he’s playing with a partially torn rotator cuff.
Roethlisberger’s discontent with the offensive changes implemented by new offensive coordinator Todd Haley reflected his McClane-like disdain for authority. Haley’s explosive personality more than makes up for the lack of explosive special effects.
Cincinnati Bengals- Highlander
Much like the immortals who have been decapitating one another for thousands of years in hopes of attaining The Prize, Marvin Lewis has somehow survived as Bengals head coach for a decade since winning a Super Bowl as Ravens defensive coordinator.
As a head coach, the results haven’t been as positive. In a league where coaches are dispatched at the drop of a hat, Lewis has somehow avoided the steam from a hot seat despite wasting the primes of Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson and his unimpressive 0-3 playoff record.
When Mike Brown finally makes the long overdue decision to can Lewis and replace him with offensive coordinator Jay Gruden Dalton and Green will become a dangerous duo. Until then, expectations should be tempered.
Baltimore Ravens- 300
When you face the Ravens, opposing offenses prepare to dine in hell. Much like his counterpart Spartan King Leonidas, Ray Lewis has a reputation for grandiose, inspiring yet reassuring speeches that rile up his troops.
It’s difficult to tell which is more impenetrable, the Ravens offense or the Spartans phalanx formation. Both Miami Hurricane alums, Reed and Lewis have been paired together for over a decade but this may be the final season they enter battle together.
Lewis’ Dilios, Ed Reed may not be around to tell the tale of the Ravens defense but he did set the NFL’s career record for interception return yardage in the Ravens season opener. Like Leonidas, Lewis will defend Sparta err… Baltimore til’ he cannot stand any longer.
