The clamoring for outsiders in the political arena has reached a fever pitch. No seriously, the headache-inducing awkward debate performances, hallucinations of grandeur throughout the election season are all symptoms of intelligent people who’ve made decisions in delirium. No matter, how the primaries and general election turn out, Trump’s cult following could influence a new wave in four years so let’s take a farcical look forward at a perilous future.
Apple CEO, Tim Cook – Riding a popular GOP sentiment, Cook believes ‘America has become too PC, and that it’s time we turn to the Mac. He drones on and on at rallies in front of Powerpoint presentations about how the government infrastructure is outdated and Homeland Security computers are vulnerable to hackers because they still operate on Windows 7. His vow to “bring American jobs back” is met with snickers from Apple’s board who’ve held those same pipe dreams since the death of their co-founder in 2011.
Brian Williams – The former anchor of NBC’s Nightly News is used to addressing Americans in their homes, but in a different capacity. The night before Big Tuesday, Williams is sprawled out comfortably on Stephen Colbert’s couch discussing his presidential bid.
“I was prone to embellishment in my feeble attention-seeking mode, but being demoted by NBC was a humbling experience.” Williams says as he sips from a World’s Greatest Dad mug he brought from home.
“You took a hefty pay cut in 2015. You’re not doing this for the money are you?” Colbert quipped.
“But seriously, how do we know this isn’t just a shrewd attempt to regain your status as a celebrity hobnobber?” Colbert asks. “Fallon, Conan and Kimmel and myself won’t book a nondescript cable news staffer for the show, but a presidential candidate promoting his campaign on the other hand…” He coyly implies as his voice trails off.
“Of course not. It’s simple, I understand that the American people don’t trust me as a truth-teller in the fifth estate anymore thanks to some stories I told in this studio back when Letterman hosted, but I found a positive. I retained just enough credibility to be a viable presidential candidate.”
Colbert simply nodded his head in agreement. “Good point.”
Three weeks later, right wing pundit Sarah Palin’s gotcha question about which season of HBO’s Girls, starring his daughter Allison was his favorite will prove to be the waterloo point in his candidacy. After stumbling over his words, he blurts out season 7 and is skewered when commentators point out that it ended after six seasons. His daughter Allison shatters the World’s Greatest Dad mug and begins campaigning for the opposition when he calls a press conference to admit he stopped watching during season 1 because he thought hipster Brooklyn millennials were insufferable. The youth vote abandons him and he suspends his campaign to focus on being a better father.
Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey – Pulls off the Full Grassley in Iowa in marathon fashion, by popping into each of the state’s 99 counties for approximately 145 seconds. Delivers quick talking points from the steps of his campaign bus in each county, then keeps it moving.
His attempt to criticize the Obama administration for ISIS hits a snag when ISIS thanks him for social media’s role in their genesis during the Arab Spring with a smiling winky face from their official Twitter account.
Mark Cuban – Cuban announces at TechCrunch Disrupt Conference 2018 and builds his candidacy around his reputation as a celebrity venture capitalist. Believes we should invest in education and tech IPOs. Vows that he’ll be as tough on bills brought before his desk as he was on entrepreneurs who appeared on Shark Tank. Unfortunately, a new email controversy ensues when he refuses to cease promoting Cyberdust, an app which deletes messages after they’re read.
Disney Chairman, Bob Iger – “We’re at War and I’m the best candidate to exploit the flaw in ISIS’ savvy propaganda death star. To prevent Americans from being radicalized by the ‘dark side’ vote for a connoisseur of mass media with experience indoctrinating children and teens.” Disney’s chairman pleaded in his first campaign approved ad featuring CGI shots of Star Wars X-fighters taking down ISIS strongholds.
Iger refuses to co-sign Trump’s ban on Muslims. However, Disney’s live-action Aladdin reboot mysteriously gets pushed from the production fast track to languishing in developmental hell. Campaign director Oliver Stone resigns after finance reports show the campaign spent 80% of their budget on resplendent 22 minute campaign ads.
Oprah Winfrey – After witnessing the effect that the impeached President Trump’s half a term in office had on The Apprentice’s ratings, and turning a spot on the ticket, Oprah gets enticed by the idea of addressing 300 million Americans on OWN.
A noticeably more confident Jeb Bush nicknames her Ms. O while stumping in New Hampshire to link her with the 44th President. Others believe it’s a transparent allusion to the debunked birther theory that Barack Obama is Oprah’s secret child. Her foreign policy measurables rise during a campaign trip abroad when she makes Vladamir Putin cry discussing the strained relationship with his father.
Ari Emanuel – The head of William Morris Endeavors, Hollywood’s premiere talent agency, may seem like an unorthodox presidential candidate until considering how many former ‘waiters and waitress’ he’s made millions for. However, former chief of staff to President Obama, Rahm Emanuel sticks up for his brother by suggesting that nobody is more qualified than a super-agent to find jobs for million of unemployed Americans.”
He loses in the primaries, but talks his client and Democratic nominee, Martin Sheen, into allowing him to lead the VP vetting team. After a lengthy search, he chooses himself. It’s a move so masterful, President Trump addresses the nation from the grand, refurbished White House East Room just to anoint Emanuel “the greatest negotiator I’ve ever seen.”
Jeff Bezos – Spins Amazon Prime Air’s delivery drone blueprints into a clandestine military contract when the DOJ realizes it also functions as a personalized strike mechanism that minimizes collateral damage. Touts himself as the private sector’s commander in chief. Goes ballistic when The Washington Post endorses Martin O’Malley and sells the newspaper to Bing.
Unable to match Bezos’ ultra – hawkish drone policy, President Trump suggests “Bezos’ commercial spaceflight company could be an elaborate ruse designed to sneak illegal aliens past our planetary defenses and proposes to build AWALL (Atmospheric Warhead Advanced Launch Logisticals) around the Earth.
