The following is the transcript of a conversation I recently had with a Facebook troll, who sought to remain anonymous.
Anonymous Troll: Remember when social media was just a place to post photos of your lunch spread and complain about celebrity rumors? Now it’s an unsavory destination where idiots go to record their delinquent behavior. It’s like everyone wants to write their own version of OJ’s If I Did It for the world to see. You know who loves that? Prosecutors!
DJ Dunson: What are you yammering on about?
Troll: I’m talkin’ bout Laremy Tunsil getting his accounts hacked, revealing “old” videos of him smoking using narcotics. I didn’t think anybody recorded themselves doing drugs unless they want to be the next Marion Barry.
DJ: Well if a gas mask bong photo and texts about getting bills paid are his darkest secrets, then he should have been the Titans first pick. Think about it. He wasn’t texting Nevin Shapiro about getting an abortion handled or for VIP club access. He’s a 21-year-old texting his assistant athletic directors about keeping those lights on. Sounds like maturity to me.
Troll: Was it the light bill or the “gas” bill? Why aren’t journalists asking that question?
DJ: He wouldn’t have had commit NCAA violations if his deadbeat dad and/or stepdad couldn’t have loaned him a few Benjamins until that draft money rolled in. You think it was an angry ex-girlfriend?
Troll: Had to be that stepdad. If I was a Dolphin fan, I ‘ont want dat Tonsil family anywhere near my franchise. Especially, after they just got rid of Brent and Miko Grimes! Only Dolphin I want nearby is Mike Tannehill’s lady.
DJ: But it’s not like Laremy is going to be giving him tickets to the game.
Troll: But his momma might. Isn’t she still married to that sack of potatoes?
DJ: We don’t even know if his stepdad is the one that hacked him. He just cost the defendant $7.3 million if he’s behind that leak. Me personally, I find it counterproductive to limit the earning potential of people you’re suing in civil court. Besides, they’re onto a new suspect. Might be an old advisor he parted ways with last year.
Troll: Let’s not forget that he inadvertently became the modern day equivalent to Chris Webber ratting on Ed Martin
DJ: I don’t know about that. He hasn’t spoken to NCAA investigators.
Troll: He doesn’t need to. He snitched voluntarily on the coaches who committed major NCAA violations to keep him happy at Ole Miss. He might as well be Officer D’Angelo Russell. How can his teammates trust him if he’s going to suffer from bouts of verbal diarrhea anytime he gets asked a question? What if his girl asks him if her dress makes her look fat? He gonna tell the truth there too? His stepdad, an old advisor, the NCAA…I see why he has so many enemies.
If I was him, I would have walked into that press conference, looked right into that camera to deliver a message to his transgressor like Bryan Mills, and said, ‘”I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want, but I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you and I will find you.’
DJ: Wow. Uh… He’s a kid that got flustered getting questioned by the media during the most tumultuous four hours of his life, not a seasoned CIA operative.
Troll: How is he supposed to keep pass rushers from trespassing into the Dolphins backfield if he doesn’t have the ability to keep his enemies from invading his social media accounts?
DJ: Hackers and sackers are two completely different beasts. Hackers won’t confront you to your face.
Troll: He couldn’t even face the media like a man! I haven’t seen an admission of guilt like that since Colonel Jessup told a military tribunal they were god damn right he ordering the code red. Well guess what? Ole Miss’ era of prosperity is as dead as Private Santiago. Back when I was an acting United State prosecutor, my first action would have been to issue a warrant for that kid’s arrest, then personally cuffed him.
DJ: You really are a vindictive troll. I’m outta here. Don’t you have a bridge to prevent people from crossing?
Troll: I’m not a troll. Have some respeck. It’s Governor Chris Christie to you.
